Random stories

“I don’t get it. She said she was into crazy things. What’s crazier than dating the man that’s going to father the child of prophecy? Is it the whole parenting thing that scares them? Or more the fact that we will probably end up part of the child’s tragic backstory?” Travis poked his burger, not even getting to bite it before his date ran off, not wanting anything to do with this child of prophecy nonsense.

He had tried every dating app from Singles who can’t mingle to the leftovers dating service and no one lasted ten minutes into the date before running off, making excuses about some other arrangement they had. Some didn’t even bother with an excuse, just leaving as soon as they confirmed it was actually him. He considered giving up the whole dating scene. Maybe he could just learn to be alone? Was that such a bad thing?

“Is this seat taken?”

Travis was about to bite into his burger, only to pause when he heard the voice. He didn’t even bother looking up, only rolling his eyes as he took a large bite from his burger, chewing it before answering,

“You can take it. I’m sure you have some partner that needs that seat more than I do.” He said bitterly, gripping his burger tight, digging into the buns, choking the life out of the already cooked meat.

“A partner? I don’t have a partner. Well, at least not yet.” Her voice was sweet, lingering in the air, catching his attention. He stopped chewing, looking up to see the dark-haired woman smiling at him, her purple lips matching the dress she wore. She politely waited for him to respond, tapping her long nails against the table.

“Huh?”

“Is that all you have to say? I was hoping for a little small talk. Don’t tell me I have to do all the work here. How selfish are you?”

“I… huh?”

“I’m flirting with you. Come on, I’m an evil empress and even I know how to flirt. It’s ok, my beauty stuns a lot of people, how about we try again? I’m Agitha, the empress of ruin. You may kiss my hand.” She held her hand out before noticing the ketchup marks on his lips, quickly retracting her pale hand. “On second thought, save the kiss for later. I believe you were looking for a date, correct?”

“Did you say Agitha? The Agitha? The one that wants to kill all mortals and turn the world into her kingdom of ruin?”

“Yes, that’s the one, but please don’t believe all the propaganda. Sure, I want to enslave the world, but have you seen the world? Do you think it would truly be such a bad thing for someone to control it? You only need to spend five minutes reading the news headlines to know this world needs someone controlling it. I’m the perfect woman for it.”

“Right. Look, I’m sure you have some grand scheme in mind where you kill me to stop the child of prophecy being born, but you honestly don’t need to worry about murdering me. No one wants to date me.”

“Murder you? I wouldn’t murder you. If I did that, the prophecy would just choose another person and I would have to spend my years tracking them down. It would be too much work. If I truly wanted to stop you, I would just neuter you.”

“What, like a dog?”

“Exactly!” She smiled. The fact she said it so enthusiastically made Travis gulp, not exactly wanting an answer like that.

“But you wouldn’t do that, right?”

“Hm, I considered it, but that might also cause the prophecy to find another host. I didn’t like my chances. Instead, I came up with another idea.”

“What idea was that?”

“If I’m the mother of the child of prophecy, I should be fine. What child would kill their dear mother?” Agitha waited for a wow or any sound of amazement from the mortal sitting across from her. When she received none, she slouched back in her chair. “I don’t need your praise. I know it’s a good idea.”

“So, that’s all this would be. I give you a child, and then what?”

“Hm, I was thinking of a date somewhere cold, like Antartica? I have always wanted to eat a penguin. I hear they taste like chicken.”

“A date? You aren’t going to just lock me in a dungeon?”

“Why would I lock up my husband? How would I explain that to our child? Oh, sorry, daddy can’t play because he’s withering away in a dungeon. I doubt that would paint me in a good light.” Agitha scrunched up her face, offended that he was making her out to be a bad wife. Sure, she was a monster that wanted to enslave the planet, but that didn’t mean she would be a terrible partner.

“So, that would spare me from the whole ruin thing?”

“Again, I doubt our child would approve of me killing their father. You ask some stupid questions, mortal.”

“I just don’t get it. You understand your evil, right? Like you don’t think you’re the good guy here or anything?”

“Oh, no. I’m aware that enslaving the world is a horrible thing to do. Sure, I might claim it’s for a noble cause or that the world needs to be controlled, but honestly, I just want it. I’m evil. What sort of person calls themselves an empress if they aren’t?”

Travis set his half-eaten burger down, shaking his head. This was the strangest conversation he had ever had and somehow it was still the best date ever. It had been a whole ten minutes, and she hadn’t left. Even better, she seemed interested in him. Perhaps for the wrong reasons, but it was a start.

“Ok, let’s say I’m interested. Hypothetically, of course. How would we even proceed with this?”

“First, we would have a few dates. I will take you to some locations and show you around. We will also follow my dating itinerary. Which includes fifteen minutes of handholding, an hour of staring into each other’s eyes, and a minute of compliments. We will then return home. After a few successful dates, you will be allowed to pick a dating location for us. If all goes well, we will plan the wedding. You may invite you parent’s to the wedding if you wish. Questions?”

Travis stared at the empress. She was beautiful. Stunning even. Sure, it wasn’t the ideal date and perhaps he was dooming the world by agreeing to go on it, but he was lonely. Maybe a date or two wouldn’t be that bad? Surely, the world would understand.

“It’s a date. Can you give me your phone number?”

“No need. Hold out your arm.”

Travis held his arm forward, only for Agitha to grab it. She tightened her grip around his wrist, burning a summoning symbol into his skin. The smoke drifting from his skin looked painful, but Travis didn’t feel a thing, only a slight itching sensation. When she was done, the squared symbol was finished, leaving a small love heart in the middle of it.

“When I want a date, it will flash blue. Just hold your palm over it when you’re ready to accept. It will take you to me. After a few dates, I might give you an easier way to contact me. For now, I would prefer this method. I’ll be in touch.” Before Travis could answer, she vanished, leaving him sitting alone in the restaurant. A few people were staring at him, but most averted their gazes from the odd couple, not wanting to get involved in whatever was happening.

That strange conversation made Travis lose his appetite. The human leaving the restaurant, a little confused by what had occurred. If it wasn’t for the mark on his skin, he would have assumed it was all a hallucination. One caused by his extreme loneliness.

“Agitha? What a nice name. I should probably get a jacket or something if we’re going to Antarctica. I can’t tell if she was being serious or not.”

 

 

 

(If you enjoyed this feel free to check out my subreddit /r/Sadnesslaughs where I'll be posting more of my writing.)

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Submitted by sadnesslaughs on Fri, Mar 10, 2023 to /r/WritingPrompts/

The prompt

You are prophesized to be the parent of a child destined to save the world. This has severely impacted your dating life since this has become public knowledge.