Random stories

They won't stop cheering. I'm sitting here, waiting for the election result. And they won't stop cheering. It's going to be a landslide. They all say that. Gallup's polling says so. Every news channel claim it. Even those who are politically unaligned with my campaign. An impressive turn of events for a normal, regular politician. Borderline unimaginable for some random guy, running as a joke, with a joke party on a joke campaign. First president not of either of the two big parties since Millard Filmore. And he was the president 150 or so years ago. Insane, really. I've swept every state where a senate or governor seat is open too. I had to actually get people in those states, who could fill those positions. And somehow it works. I never wanted it to. I wore a Roman laurel crown made of gilded steel, while dressed as a viking, to every election event.

It was just meant to be a joke. Like those British fellows, or that Vermin Supreme guy. Or those people who keep voting for dead people. But everyone cheered. And kept cheering. At first I just figured they thought it was funny. But then I got donations. And a staff, somehow. Now it has come to this. Popular vote, and electoral college votes too. I'm miles ahead of either of the traditional parties, without meaning to, or wanting to. I've been trying to tank my campaign for months now. But nothing works. And I've really tried. I vowed to make Norse heathenry the national religion, I said I was going to outlaw Christianity as a concept; everyone cheered, national mead production is through the roof, people are trying to combine axes and guns in order to bear arms and be more viking-y. Someone burned down a cathedral last week, and when the police tried to stop her, she and her Minnesotan valkyries cut them down. They had plundered it first.

I declared my intention to dissolve the old republic, and proclaim the creation of an American Empire, that would shake the foundations of the world. That I, in the best traditions of Augustus and Napoleon, would put upon my head a golden crown, and rule as Imperator. And guess what; people didn't think me crazy, people didn't get angry because I wanted to be their emperor. They cheered. And campaigned even harder. All around the country, in every state, people said that they appreciated my ''Bonapartist stance'' in regards to the downfall of democracy. They said that, and I quote directly, ''This country could really use a strong leader who is willing to tell it like it is.'' Already, my people are talking about reorganising the House of Representatives and the Senate into one large Imperial Senate.

And it keeps happening. At first I thought it was a grand old time. Getting to declare that I'd nationalise the media, burn down Hollywood, change the pledge of allegiance into Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn, try to make England into the 51st state. It was all just very amusing, and I thought everyone was just having a grand old time. But they take it seriously. I am not a leader, I am not an emperor. But by old and new gods. They, the people, want it. They're out there, praising me, while they think I'm praying alone. But I'm scared. Scared out of my wits. What do I do if I win? They'll expect me to begin making policies, to have the NSA, CIA, and every other intelligence agency brought to justice, to be well, an emperor. And what if I don't win. Out there, they're were talking about marching on Washington. About using force. A revolution.

I've done everything to get out of this peacefully. I've punched people. I've made unflattering jokes. I held an impromptu opera in the middle of the presidential debate. Nothing works. I can't just leave, because they won't ever let me. I am reasonably certain of that, and considering the sheer fanaticism of some of the people around me at this point, I don't dare to try. I was holding a joke speech which I'd stolen more or less from lines in the 1999 cult classic game Planescape Torment, and someone took a shot at me. And one of my campaign managers jumped in front of me. Took the bullet. I held him in my arms as he begged me to save America, with his final breath. He died in my arms. I think that was the moment I understood how far it had really gotten out of hand. On national TV, I promised him that, in a moment of confusion and fear. But how can I do that? How can a man do that?

The door into this room opens. It's one of my many upcoming senators in my ''Holly Jolly Imperial Party's'' line. ''*My emperor! Come, you must see this!*'' I get off the chair which I've been sitting on, and follow him into the main room. Everyone is staring at the screen, where the final results are in. An overwhelming victory. Just as predicted. Everyone in the room turns to me. ''*All hail to the emperor!*'' They all shout and cheer. The applause is deafening. I raise a hand, and like magic, they become as quiet as the grave. ''*Thank you.*'' I start. ''*The road to this place and time has been long. But it has been ordained by higher powers. The norns have woven this thread of our lives well. The old order is overcome. The seat of president is won. And through it, the imperial reforms can begin. I know many of you, dearly beloved as you are, have been with me since nearly the beginning. I hope that you will continue, in reorganising the United States, into the First American Empire! You all have my thanks, indeed, my good citizens. My good friends. Today is the day when we begin to fulfil the promise. From the incompetence of the old donkeys, and the malignancy of the mad elephants, we will save America. We will rebuild her. More glorious than ever. Better infrastructure. Better health care. No more restrictive and reactionary faiths to stand in her way. We will take her back to technological and economic primacy. Back to being a beacon of light and hope for the world. And it is thanks to you, that we will be able to do this, together. We have endured 40 years of incompetence, corruption, and decay; and through enduring that, we have become stronger. Now that strength will save this land!*'' It's load of BS. But they eagerly eat it up, and cheer even louder. There are pats on my back. People are making out in the rooms of this hotel where we've set up our final campaign HQ.

I suppose I have to do it then. A constitutional empire, to replace the corrupt republic. I have to measure up to the faith everyone somehow has in me. I'll tear down the military-industrial complex. End the prison-slavery for good. Create good imperial mental health programs. Rebuild the public school system. So much work. But as I drink a glass of cheap champagne, while my fellows toast for me, I begin having ideas on all of them. Yes. A reorganised elite army instead of a massive old-fashioned one, that would save a lot of money. Nationalising the health insurance companies into a central one under the imperial government, without all the red tape and middle-men taking cuts... Could really do some good for the massive amount of people who are in need of medical treatments without going into debt. Trains everywhere, instead of more high-ways. More funds into NASA, for space exploration and mining reasons. Pension improvements instead of more nuclear aircraft carriers. A tax agency that has a license to use guns to arrest big corporate leaders who ensure that their companies pay no taxes, and who can use Mossad tactics for repatriating those who flee the country for some tax haven. The creation of a national civic faith focused on old pagan ideas that can be much more easily manipulated than the heavily fractured and often insane modern American Christianity. That could unite people more easily than any appeal to traditional faiths. Add a focus on green technology, and the oil problems should fade too. Given the frankly insane loyalty of my voters, I could probably do it.

Maybe I'm not cut out to rule a nation. Maybe I'm not meant to be an emperor. But I think I'm willing to give it a shot. And, after all, considering some of the presidents we've had over the past couple of decades, I will have to really fuck up to do worse than them.

[/r/ApocalypseOwl](https://www.reddit.com/r/ApocalypseOwl/)

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Submitted by ApocalypseOwl on Wed, Nov 09, 2022 to /r/WritingPrompts/

The prompt

You decided to run for President as a joke and are now desperate to get out of it. Unfortunately, any attempts to kill your own campaign keep making you more popular.